Join for FREE | Take the Tour Lost Password?
Shop deviantART for the
holidays and save BIG!
Click here! :holly:
[x]

deviantART

 


Everything is dark. Wait ! Does it mean I'm dead? I wish not everything to be dark all around me. I wish not to be dead. These words I cry. Nothing answers. Nothing is to answer me. I feel so abandoned in this place that is not a place. And then I see something. People moving beneath me, far away beneath me. People living. They are like suns, like little oceans of heat, warmth. Suddenly, darkness around me seems to be even colder. Coldness in my whole being. Death.
Warmth. Life beneath me. And I wonder. What am I doing here? Who am I? And yet I can tell that I knew the answers to these questions before. Before. Weird ! And now. Now, I'm standing above an ocean of life, like a powerless king watching over a kingdom that once was his. Knowing who I am is of no importance. What matters to me now is knowing what will become of me. Peering downward again, I watch. Regaining life. Is it possible? I know I'm dead, the only certitude left. Can I dive down towards these living entities that appeal to me?
I dive. It's more a fall than a dive. Why this sensation? Why thinking that I'm falling since I have willingly decided to dive? The entities of beneath get closer and closer. Or is it me who is getting closer and closer? Anyway, I finally reach my destination. I'm surrounded. By ghosts ! Why? They seem not to  see me, to notice me even in the least. I feel them, though. Yet, I can't touch them. I can't hear them. I can't smell them. Can I speak to them? I do not try. I do not feel like. But I feel them, in an undefined sort of way. All around me, the entities of life are moving, going where they are due. They are following paths invisible to me. Where is my own path? I decide to wander among them.
Light.
I see light. This light is so pure that in comparison the one coming from the entities is somewhat tarnished. Wait, it is tarnished ! I now realize it. I did not see it before.
Emanating from this pure light is some sort of path. For me to follow? I make a step towards this path. I go on. Eventually, I reach it and I begin to follow it. The more I walk on, the stronger the light gets. And everything around me gets more and more real. I see the entities in a totally different way now. I can no longer see their light. I can still feel their heat but it seems so weak. It is like a candle. I'm near the fire, that's the reason.
Here I am. The light is in front of me. I enter it.
Everything is white. Warm. I feel heat everywhere around me. And everywhere is not far away from me. Wait, I am this everywhere ! I am in some sort of place where the only thing I can feel is me. Right at the moment I have that thought, I sense a presence, both above and around me. I realize I have become the light I have seen earlier and that this light is being sheltered by this presence. I feel protected. I feel love for the presence. So much love I decide to merge with it.

Sudden unconsciousness.  
Time makes its entrance. Time flows again for some small region of Existence.
And life goes on again.
Till death overcomes it.

Everything is dark.......
©2007-2009 =Aldarune
:iconaldarune:

Author's Comments

Well, eventually, I'm posting a text. Not really the kind of text I intended to post. But I was listening to an anime OST that perfectly fits this kind of thoughts (at least some musics in it). And I began to write frantically. It happened roughly 2 hours and a half ago.

Anyway, I hope you enjoyed reading it. I must precise that I'm french. So english is not my mother tongue. Yet I've been studying it for about six years and am still.

Here are the main "themes" for commenting: style, ideas, english mistakes. Of course you can comment the way you want. I decided not to put the "encourage advanced critique" feature but for those who would like to comment that way, please do.

Comments


love 2 2 joy 2 2 wow 1 1 mad 0 0 sad 0 0 fear 0 0 neutral 0 0
:iconultimate-pie-lover:
Wow thats amazing! I love your stlye its so unique and interesting! And do you live in France? :clap:

--
I believe I can die!
I believe I can fall from the sky!
Every night and every day!
I believe I can go splat on the concrete YAY!
:iconaldarune:
Thanks a lot, it means a lot to me. You are the first one to comment on my first deviation :hug:.

No I don't live in France but in one of its outer-sea territories in South Pacific : New-Caledonia, near Australia.
:iconquietwhisper78:
It's hard to tell that English is not your first language! The sensory details in this are very well done. I do have a few suggestions that I hope will be helpful. This reads very much like a poem (probably because of all the short sentences and detail). Though I think it would be helpful for you to make more breaks in the paragraphs. Keep the paragraphs shorter to exaggerate the way the main character is feeling. Also, when the character begins to realize what is going on, you can lengthen the sentences for more description (this shows understanding over confusion).

Is this the beginning of a story or just a rough draft of an idea? It could read as its own separate entity. I definitely like all of the descriptions! :D

I hope this all helps! Great job with your first deviation! :w00t!:

--
If you can't beat them, join them, then beat them. :evillaugh:
:iconaldarune:
Thanks, thanks, thanks XD. I was really waiting for you to comment on "Nexus". And I'm not disappointed the way you did it. Yes all you say is very helpful.
Hmm, well, I don't know if this text will lead somewhere. For the moment it can read as its own separate entity. But you're free to imagine the before and the after lol. Maybe I will resume writing this text to expand it or to include it in some pre-existing universe of my own. Don't know yet.

Thanks again for your comment and suggestions :hug:.
:iconquietwhisper78:
I'm glad you found it helpful! :boogie: It would be nice to see this expanded and you can definitely do whatever you want with it! I'll make sure to keep reading! Also, I went ahead and signed into MSN messenger and added you to my friend's list. So if ever you need anything, let me know! :glomp:

--
If you can't beat them, join them, then beat them. :evillaugh:
:iconultimate-pie-lover:
No problem! And I meant every word of of it! :hug:

--
I believe I can die!
I believe I can fall from the sky!
Every night and every day!
I believe I can go splat on the concrete YAY!
:iconsetsuka-1325:
I can't believe that you've been studying English for only six years, with the way you write it seems like English is your original language.
I really hope you add on to this, either that or post another piece of writing. I felt so captivated by reading this and I really liked how you seemed to pull in the reader with the details you used.
Must :+fav:
:iconaldarune:
Thanks heaps :hug:. Thanks for the kind comment and for the :+fav:.

Regarding adding on to this piece of writing, I remembered a story I had imagined years ago for a potential novel. Well it is still unclear how I'll merge the two but be sure I'll be working on it.

Thanks again :).
:iconsetsuka-1325:
You're welcome :glomp:
I'm looking forward to your next post ^_^

Details

July 12, 2007
3.3 KB

Statistics

34
6 [who?]
495 (0 today)
20 (0 today)

Site Map